Kami no shimo be- Servant of God: January 2013

Well it's a new year and the Lord is already teaching me A LOT. You would think after a certain amount of time I would get the hints he's been dropping for so long and take lessons to heart. But I suppose that is one of the joys of being human- we're thick headed and stubborn.

For our Day with the Lord on Monday I listened to two talks given by Michael Oh at Cru's college winter conference held in San Diego every year. I had attended it the last three years of college so was thankful to be able to follow this one through their livestream. Michael Oh is the president and founder of CBI Japan which does church-planting, outreach, and runs a graduate-level theological seminary. He and his family live in Nagoya, Japan though he is from a Korean background. His teaching was very truthful and gave me a lot of hard things to think about and pray through.

I've begun thinking about what next year will bring, specifically if I will re-STInt or not. It's hard and scary to think about because both sides have good and challenging aspects to them. One thing Michael said forced me to begin reevaluating my way of thinking about the future. He challenged his audience to fast. And not just food like we normally think of fasting. He challenged them to fast from comfort, recognition, the love and nearness of family. He challenged them to fast from the American Dream- their agenda and aspirations- for the sake of the gospel. That challenge hit painfully close to home for me. As I prayed over it I didn't know how to respond, or even if I could. It terrifies me to think of fully letting go of my agenda. I don't often think of myself as even having an agenda, but there certainly are things that I hope for in life and am scared to trust the Lord to provide.Knowing he can and will is one thing, but being able to really live in that truth is another. Being broken and weak as I am, it's a daily battle to walk in the knowledge and faith that Jesus is worth giving up my earthly comfort and desire for recognition and success.

Another thing Michael Oh said is that we were created for comfort, but the comfort we were created to enjoy is an eternal, heavenly comfort. The comfort this earth can provide is temporary and unsatisfactory. Can't I then give up a few decades of earthly comfort for the sake of a beautiful, perfect comfort with my creator? That's what I want most of all, but it is not easy.

So here I am again, fighting to live for things that last, things that matter. I'm thankful the Lord is patient with me and faithful in pursuing me with the truth. Please pray that I would be made more and more aware of his grace in my life and be able to surrender my "American Dream" to him.