Confession. I am a horrible Christian. Truly.
I didn't go to church for over a month. It was almost as long that I had a quality quiet time in the Word. I tell people I'll pray for them and then forget. I'm a missionary by occupation and daily forget to preach the gospel to myself first. I doubt the Lord's ability to use me. I don't believe that I'm saved by grace alone and not by any good work I could do. The gospel I live out is almost always Jesus
plus something. I have to add something because my pride won't allow me to accept such a gift.
All of this was building up through December and the reality of how far off the straight and narrow I had gone hit me this weekend. It's incredible how quickly you can fall away from the Lord when you're not being intentional. One day not in the Word leads easily to another, and before long the guilt of not being in the Word keeps you away even longer. Shame and my own pride got in the way of coming back to the Father in repentance. I was allowing Satan to steal the joy that is mine in Christ.
When I finally realized this, I was angry with myself, frustrated, and completely ashamed. I wanted to make myself suffer, to be miserable as a sign of repentance for my lack of faith. But that is not the gospel of Jesus Christ. There is no freedom in that kind of life! Clinging to the feelings of guilt and shame like some morbid flagellant leaves no room for the power of the gospel to work.
Thank God for his patience and abundant mercy. Monday I picked up in Hebrews 5:11 and read through the end of the book. Ironically, or perhaps divinely?, the passage in chapter 5 talks about those who "ought to be teachers" but are still consuming only spiritual milk. I had to laugh to myself because that's exactly how I feel right now...though I ought to be a spiritual teacher, feeding on nutritious spiritual solid foods, I have contented myself with nothing but milk. And watered down milk at that.
Thankfully there is hope for spiritual babies like myself. Chapter 6 gives the encouragement that God will not forget the work and love we have shown for him and exhorts its audience to "imitate those who through faith and patience inherit what has been promised." (6:12). Faith and patience. Two things I don't have much of these days.
I read on to be reminded of the truth about Jesus Christ, my high priest who
once and for all paid the price for my sin, making "perfect forever those who are being made holy." (10:14). I've got a long way to go in the sanctification department, especially right now, but by Christ's blood God already sees me as perfectly whole and righteous. What incredible truth!
In that new identity I was reminded in 10:23 to hold unswervingly to the hope I profess, for he who promised is faithful. It's not my faith that matters so much as the fact that God is faithful, always and forever. And then came chapter 11, lovingly known as the Hall of Faith. As I read it I was reminded over and over again how very little faith I have. Each mini bio became a prayer as I read. Verse 3 talks of faith allowing us to believe in the creation that came out of the invisible. I prayed the Lord would give me faith to believe what I cannot see.
Verse 5 talks of Enoch who was taken away by God, without dying because he pleased the Lord. I prayed for the faith to live a life that sought to please God above myself or others. Like Abraham I prayed for the faith to live "like a stranger in a foreign land" because my eyes are fixed on the city whose architect and builder is God (11:10).
The list goes on, name after name of faithful men and women who lived by faith even though they did not receive the things promised. And yet they lived in such a way that the world was not worthy of them. When I read that I shook my head...at that moment it seemed like the world and I totally deserved each other. But again I reminded myself of the identity I had claimed before- righteous in Christ.
And as a righteous one, the only reasonable response to the witness of these faithful in chapter 11 is given immediately after. It is to "throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and...run with perseverance the race marked out for us." It is to fix our eyes on Jesus, to not grow weary or lose heart.
The past month or so I grew weary and lost heart in my relationship with God. I let busyness, pride, guilt and more get in the way of pursuing righteousness. But God waited for me to get over myself, repent, and come back to him and he welcomed me with open arms.
I've a long way to go in my journey of becoming like Christ, but by God's grace I will run this race with perseverance. And someday, at the end of this earthly race, maybe my name will be inducted into the Hall of Faith. The world offers some pretty tempting titles and glories, but all I want is to be called a faithful servant by my God. And I know it's possible only because
He is faithful.
"May the God of peace, who through the blood of the eternal covenant
brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great Shepherd of the sheep,
equip you with everything good for doing his will, and may he work in us what
is pleasing to him, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory forever and ever. Amen."
Hebrews 12:20-21
