Swallow your pride. Pride comes before a fall. Pride and joy. To take pride in something. These idioms dealing with pride are sprinkled all throughout our language. Pride can be viewed as a positive thing, a feeling of a job well done or seomthing we want to share with the world. It can also be a negative, a haughty feeling of superiority that causes us to look down on those around us or think of ourselves more highly than we ought.
Pride has always been one of my greatest sin struggles. It's a dangerous one because it is easy to hide. I can disguise pride behind false modesty and keep my judgmental thoughts inside my own heart. I've also fallen to the low of being too prideful to even admit that I am prideful and that pride can be a sin against God and his creation. Perhaps the biggest sin that comes from my pride is that I often think God needs me in order to fulfill his plans. In ministry this also comes through in me thinking if I do enough I can change people's hearts towards the gospel on my own.
Let me say here and now that is a complete lie and one I believe because I am that prideful. It's a vicious cycle.
God has often revealed to me the depth of my sin in this area but this time around was one of the most humbling. The national Student Impact (Cru here in Japan) conference was held in Tokyo this week and my team attended. I went in not knowing what was going to happen, but expecting to have at least some sort of responsibility or role. When I found out we were literally just there to observe and interact with the students I got frustrated. This frustration evolved into a bad attitude and a bitter heart. Lovely.
After the evening sesion both nights I returned immediately to my room and talked very openly with God about my feelings. At first there was a lot of anger and disappointment. I felt like my time was being wasted, like I was useless, like there was no point to me even being at the conference. Without translation I could only pick out bits and pieces of the talks, I had no diea what I was singing during worship, I could only exchange pleasantries with students because of the language barrier, and I didn't do outreach the second day because of a massive blister on the sole of my foot. Basically I was dead weight.
Looking back a day later it is incredible how patient and gracious God is. It took so many things for me to acknowledge my pride in this situation. I went in thinking I was a necessary presence at this conference to help the students experience God more. I also thought me, myself, and I was an answer to prayer to bring the gospel to Japanese students.
Thankfully God put me in my place. Without me doing anything He showed his glory to over 100 christian students from across Japan as they worshiped him together. Without me they were able to experience real vibrant community with fellow believers and take steps of faith to live for the Lord. Without me, these same students talked to over 500 people, shared the gospel with over 200 of them, and saw 27 people accept Christ in the span of a cumulative 4 hours. All of this kingdom work was accomplished without me. What an incredible thing to witness! What a gift that the Lord would even allow me to be in the presence of so many Japanese students who love him, who want to share him with others. What an honor that he would let me come back to Japan to be a part of this movement.
The last three days I was reminded of how dark my heart is as well as how little I am in comparison to the God of the universe. I was reminded of his infinite grace in our lives and caught a glimpse of heaven as I watched some of his children praising his name and hoping in his return.
It's hard to see such sin in myself and give myself grace. But that is the Christian life. I confess that sinfulness to you and rejoice in knowing that I am washed clean by the blood of Christ. My prayer for myself this week is that I would become more like Jesus and walk humbly in the power of the Holy Spirit for the time I have been given on this earth. I want to exist to serve instead of looking for ways to serve my own prideful heart.
"May I never boast except in the cross of our
Lord Jesus Christ, through which
the world has been
crucified to me, and I to the world."
Galatians 6:14
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