Know. God.

A couple days ago we had our monthly Day with the Lord. It is a time to rest and reflect in his presence and I always look forward to it! This time I felt unprepared somehow, like I wasn't mentally prepared or aware of what I wanted to learn or talk about with God. I felt like I was wandering aimlessly through what was supposed to be a very intentional, rewarding, mountain-top high kind of day.

I started talking to the Lord about this feeling of apathy and was quickly convicted. The more I journaled things out, the more I realized how much I was depending on feeling, on an emotional high, to affirm who God was to me and where I stood with him. I confessed that I had trained myself to seek some sort of emotional response on these set apart days. I expected tears or magically profound revelations. It had come to the point where I was valuing the highs of emotion over my actual relationship with God. Instead of just resting in and focusing on his character, I was demanding that he give me some kind of proof of his love for me.

He brought to mind Psalm 139, the "fearfully and wonderfully made" psalm. The second part of verse 14 especially struck me- "How wonderful are your works, my soul knows it very well." Here I was seeking an emotional sense of proof that God was with me when my very soul knows his goodness. When you know someone, really know them, you don't need constant reminders of their love for you. Why would you, you just know it?

It reminded me to dwell on all that I know to be true of God, the LORD I have put my faith in- that he is good, he is just, he is the Creator, he is merciful. The list goes on. As I did that, I heard him saying what he said in Psalm 46:10, "Be still and know that I am God."

Who needs fickle feeling when you can know in your very soul who the Lord is? I was relying on my feelings entirely too much and forgetting the beauty, the power and persistence of true faith.

I know feelings aren't evil, and the times in my walk that have triggered more emotional responses are special gifts from the Lord. But I also want to acknowledge my weakness in this area in relying so heavily on feeling for assurance of the Lord's character and goodness in my life. His works are wonderful, his generosity and love are beyond belief, and deep down in my soul I know this to be absolutely true.